Practical Joke

Dear C,

Monday we (my mom and I) ran into you at Kroger; I strolled along next to you as you shopped for breakfast foods for dinner that evening. When we finished selecting the right toothpaste near the pharmacy area I whispered, “Do you need any tampons?”

What the hell was I thinking? You are the master of public humiliation.

So as I walk past, you say VERY loudly, “E, do you need any condoms? I can pick up more condoms if you want, E.”

I (red faced) turn around to face you with my jaw on the floor. You have such an evil, mischievous grin on your smug face.

My response to your brilliant joke, “No, I don’t need those.” I (trying not to smile) quickly turn and walk away. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.

“Hey E, which ones do you like? Are the Trojan okay?”

At this point you’re talking so loudly customers are beginning to look at you and around for said E. C, I am nearly twelve fucking feet away from you! Unfortunately you walk far faster than I do and are able to catch up to me as I search for my mother in Kroger. You match my pace beside me; what a gentleman.

“So, do you like the condoms that are lubricated? Because I got KY for Her, too.” You are insatiable for others embarrassment.

Still trying not to smile and giggle but failing miserably I say, “I don’t need those because I don’t use them. But you really need to behave yourself.”

Nope, that doesn’t stop you until we find my mother…at the other end of the store.

Just so you know young man, that was one of the best jokes that’s ever been played. Well done. On the other hand, payback’s a bitch.

~An excerpt from my letter to C
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