Musings of a Youth

Since we parted ways for college, I’ve missed all of you. When I’ve heard the phrase, “I miss you so much it hurts”, I did not realize that pain is a real thing. There are three deep, empty gashes in my heart where you belong. The pain is faint some days and others so excruciating I want to seep out of my skin. I know the gashes will slowly heal. My mother’s “comforting” words don’t help either. Yes mother, I know we’re all going through similar emotions. Can’t I just cry mine out without judgement? Oh yes, I forgot you were once my age and went to college and felt the sadness of missing people. The only time I’ve had to endure this pain is when loved ones have passed away. I don’t know another type of missing. You can miss people and they come back to visit? This is a new concept to me. It’s a seemingly difficult concept to learn.

I’ve met a fair amount of people at university but they’re not friend worthy. Trust me, I’ve tried to make at least one friend. Since I haven’t had to make a friend from scratch in a while I’ve researched how to make friends. Research wasn’t an aid unless you’re a parent or psychologist. I’ve taken it back to basics. Kindergarten level. Tiny young ones just sit down and assume you’re the friend to last a lifetime (in their naive minds). “Wanna share crayons?” Yup, she’s my new friend. I sit and make a bit more than small talk and it goes well enough. It’s a start, right? Hopefully one day it will just click.

There is too much free time right now. Never did I realize how many hours I spent around the three of you. I feel so lost without hearing your voices on a regular basis. Yes, I know friends aren’t everything but they sure make everything enjoyable. I’ve joined a club at university and applied to internships, but I still have way too much time on my hands.

The three of you are my rocks. The kick I needed when I said good enough while you all knew I could do better. I’ve been doing my best, but it’s not always the easiest.

T, whenever we speak, your farewell parting is always, “You can do it.” It’s sweet. What’s even sweeter is that you give each and every friend a different farewell sentiment. T, you’re already taking the world by storm at college (four hours away), you are doing everything that you’ve intended. Through the years I’ve known you, sometimes I think you can see my confidence waver and that terrifies the hell out of me.

K, the last time I saw you was three weeks ago. That gap in my heart zipped itself back up for a few hours, it was great. We cried when we finally saw each other. I think the tears were from happiness, (relief?) and just pure excitement. While I visited you at your college, we didn’t do anything but chat and walk around campus. I miss not having a good gal friend to pal around with on weekends.

C, we last saw each other Sunday. We didn’t do anything special, we sat at our spot in the mall and chatted for two hours. College is kicking your ass. Life was difficult for you while you lived at home; I wish it wasn’t challenging at college for you as well. You and T are the friends I worry about the most, you’re sensitive. Even though neither of you admit it, I can tell when your feelings have been stabbed. C, please don’t let the challenge of college set you back or sidetrack you.

It’s an odd feeling that we’re in the middle of building our futures and careers. All of us knew the days would arrive, but the severity of importance of these present days has set in. The future proceeds with everyone we love at our sides or in our hearts. Many of us will be met with personal and academic challenges that we must power through, sometimes alone. But we’re strong because we believe in one another and that gives us courage within ourselves. I miss you guys, K, T and C but I know it will get better.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”  ~C.S. Lewis


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