Breaking Up

I just wanted you to fight with me so we could be whole once again. A mess that resolves with an argument and calmly talking out our issues. Instead you never tried to fight with me. You never even tried to fight for me. You just let me go and did not look back. It makes me damn angry. All of it: You, the relationship, time, emotions, the situation, the ease in which you let me leave your life, the partying. Usually you brought a smile to my face and my eyes sparkled when I heard your voice.

The value which was placed upon our unique relationship was immeasurable. “We won’t end up like the rest of them our age. We’re different. It’s gonna last far beyond imaginable.” But you see now that we were wrong. God, we were so stupid to think that we were somehow above the rest of them. In truth we were different from our peers with our relationship. Our friendship ended on a sad, bitter, angry, and wrenching note unlike so many other fading friendships. Time mattered though…I thought time mattered to you as well. Over a decade I’d grown to love your presence, oddities, and humor. And mistakenly I assumed that you had picked a few things to love about me, too. This love I had for you was something abstractly different from the other types of loves I had for other people. It was deep, pure, and understanding…unique and almost indescribable. It’s not fucking fair that I loved you for everything that you are and you seemingly feel nothing for me! This breakup is awful. I miss you. However, I don’t miss that longing I used to feel when you’d go hot & cold in the friendship. Shame doesn’t slink around the corner from your serious put-downs. You were always wrong for saying those things to me. Perhaps I miss the good and best things about you. The ease in which you allowed me to leave our friendship on your doorstep slices my chest in a thousand jagged pieces.  It cannot be that easy for you to let me go. To let what we had just slide away. People are not disposable! Maybe I shouldn’t have become attached to someone that had been a permanent fixture in my life from a young age (Insert bitter sarcasm). Do you realize that we met at the end of the twentieth century?

The last time I saw you it took just forty-five seconds of your words to gut me like a fish. Record time for you. Those words literally took my breath away. My face felt like it had just been stabbed with needles and my eyes watered from your blistering words. I cannot recall the last time I was speechless from a negative situation. I couldn’t get away from you fast enough. I sat in my cold car for the longest time in silence, I was stunned. Why did you make it seem like I was using you? All I wanted was to visit with my friend that I hadn’t spoken to in a while. Never did I see you to be entertained. I can entertain myself thank you very much! What I needed was to talk with you like we always did. Instead you made me felt like I was burdening you with my presence. Was your intention to make me dislike myself as much as you dislike yourself? Because if that’s the case, it didn’t work. Unfortunately, I think so much less of you now. And that makes me sad. You deserve so much more in your life than what you have. But half of what you deserve you could have if you were more thoughtful, nicer, and valued people.

I feel like screaming right now.

Since this situation occurred I have learned how to love myself in different ways. Although, I approach my friendships much more carefully now than I ever did before. Hopefully that’s a good thing. I’m slowly becoming okay defending myself against put-downs without coming across as a bitch. I’m now fine with being accused of acting a like bitch. It’s terrifying when losing a friend; and I hate it. Sometimes all I want is to see your name dance across the screen of my phone. Just for a moment I’d know that you still thought about me and wanted to hear my voice. But that is an idealistic fairy tale. The truth is, I miss you. However, I’ll never miss who you’ve become towards me. I’m tougher than you thought. Tougher than I knew until this point in the road.

I wish for you to love yourself and to treat people with kindness and respect.

“Admit it. You’re happiest when I’m miserable. I mean, come on. Isn’t that our thing? Because then you don’t have to look at how miserable you are.” ~Grace Adler speaking to Will Truman from the show Will & Grace

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